A Day Full Of Wonders
~11:30 AM Saturday

It’s a new day. A wonderful day, a long weekend ahead of me. I should be happy. I have a whole bunch of movies I wanna watch and every other day I look forward to do so, I have so many things I wanna do, so many things I am passionate about – any other day, but not today. It is always the same, as soon as I reach the free days, my free moments.. I don’t know why, but I am just stuck somewhere, can’t move forth and back. I have to say, yes, some moments in the last weeks, month were very exciting, so I enjoyed taking pictures and presenting them at the Art Shows. I liked watching the people’s reaction. I liked listening to them. Good reactions as well as bad one, well, there is no bad reaction. Every reaction is a good reaction, for me it was very exciting to see how a few pictures makes people think and feel.

This days were the exception. In between this busy days – nothing. As long as a show was on, I enjoyed my free time, watched movies and TV shows, went out, went to the gym, my Spanish classes, did homework, went to work. But I know now, my art is back here in my room. All eight pieces wrapped in paper, not moved since the day they got here. And I know now I have time, and I looked forward for this weekend. But I felt already that something is missing, I had already in mind how it would be. I got up maybe an hour ago, maybe a little earlier and it felt like all the other weekends before. But this weekend I won’t let myself down.

My room is a little messy but still okay, my kitchen looks terrible. I should clean that. I have a few things in mind for today. Well. I decided to do it different. It’s been around a year since I’ve done it, or I’ve done it in between but just a day or so. Now I have three consecutive days, starting today. I feel still greasy from all the junk food, my stomach is filled with slow digestible food, I need a shower, my nose is always blocked, like a ongoing cold that never goes away. I’m starting to feel hungry. I enjoyed the cold days from last week, it felt like autumn, my favorite season. But now it’s so hot again, I start sweating. Could be the hunger too. Don’t know.

In the last time my dreams were weird. Last night I dreamed of being home, Kev was there, my mother and a few people around. It wasn’t too bad but at the end it felt wrong again because I shouldn’t be home, why was I home? I woke up, and here I was, the sensation isn’t that big anymore, I remember in Africa as I woke up after such a dream. I woke up in the biggest shit holes possible and was happy to be there, I was happy to realize that being home was just a dream and being in this dirty room, in the heat was reality, it was where I wanted to be. I dreamed last night again from a car accident, I had the same dream in the beginning of last week. I also dreamed that a girl I loved once felt as she tried to visit me, I was living on top of a mountain and she tried to get there with my brother. But she felt down, broke her neck and couldn’t move. My brother came to tell me …. …. at the end she drowned in mud. She died…

… have to go for a second.

Damn it! That’s how the day starts.. with a major toilet block… lol. Damn!

I’ll be back here later today. Still don’t know how I should name this post. Well, I guess the name will appear later today..

Marco

Weird Sensations
5:15 PM

Two hours in the gym and three episodes of Entourage later and I am sooo hungry. All my thoughts are related to food. I should clean at least the kitchen, get a little order so that on Monday everything looks good, nothing should be ballast in my mind right now. Gym was a good thing, I had more strength and condition then ever. Right now I’m a little down, the only thing that goes down my throat is water, lots of it. The day is going good so far. My toilet is fixed, thank god! I might see a movie later today. M body feels good, parts of it really good other parts, especially the skin hurt a little. Or I can’t say it hurts everything is just so much more sensitive. Also time seems to be stretched. Watching a 25min TV show seems to be endless and I totally get lost in it. So weird.

See you in a bit.

It is Time
Saturday Night and Sunday Morning

Saturday 11:31PM – FAILED!

Around 12 hours later. I saw a movie, I had hard time doing my Spanish. I was so hungry, gave up so many times in my head. Finally, I did fail, or I am going to, I prayed – I really prayed and hoped for anything to keep me out. But all seems so far. I remember written on a white board: ‘Don’t go to the village idiot pub’ – now I’m close to go there, getting some greasy meaty food, ordering a beer, I guess it might be a Guinness. Everything, everyone is too far away. Years back, miles away – why again? Was it a promise? Should I change or keep it up? Will it change me? Will it change my way? Compromise, until tomorrow morning, it went down from Monday when the sun shall set to 6:01PM, to Sunday night, to tomorrow morning, to now, to soon. In a few minutes. At least I was able to keep it up for 12 hours. 12 consecutive hours in a row. Good/god job. Well done. I listen to old music, songs from 2004 as I went to the army. As everything began, maybe ended. Life seems way to slow. It didn’t keep me going. Can’t I wait anymore? Is there a promise, faith, karma. Will I be the same after this night, what will happen? There is no one to do anything for, except me. And that’s very… am I worth all my afford? In a way it’s a romantic end, something grilled and a beer that late at night, not just to end my 12 hour fasting. Maybe also to end something else. A much longer trip, maybe. I am afraid of the thought of being home, going back. I always said I can’t go back, I might arrive one day, and that’s it. It’s a quest. What should I think? Should I stay away from the ‘daemons’, should I go one with my way, should I force myself and finally get rewarded. Or maybe not, maybe I should understand it is just me, I always did everything for myself, I give my rewards, I am in charge of my life. Maybe just out of curiosity I should try to give up, I learned so many times to let go, now I learn to give up. Will my will be strong enough to still go one with my life, with my trip or will this be THE giving up? Will this mean that faith will turn against me? I don’ t know. Am I as strong to get up, have a steak, drink a beer, keep it up with everything and even more, can I do my art, am I still allowed, can I myself do what I want, can I still reach the same?? Exactly the same, no altering, diminishing on everything. I mean how is life anyway? So many short dreams never come true and the bigger one, little steps are done but will I ever get that far? Shouldn’t I live, aren’t we meant to live? But I lived once, I over-lived it, lost control, was too young, never really even got up to do anything. I am afraid, at least a little. It’s a very important point. Should I find a good balance in everything, but maybe I can’t, maybe I never learned how to keep balance, that’s why I don’t climb anywhere unsafe. I see two ways and I feel I should choose, should I keep it up until Monday 6:01PM as it was planned. It seems impossible. I don’t see a way, or should I go now, get this food and drink this beer. I don’t really think I should do anything in between. Anything in between wouldn’t give me any answer – I think. Or maybe that’s what it is all about. I know I am not ready to bring my self all the way along, can’t keep it up until Monday night, but I also am not ready to do this big break, this kick into the guts of all my plans. I am not ready to find out that everything would change, I am not ready to realize it did end. I ended it. So what I might wanna do. Just going for a walk, it’s four minutes to Midnight. Let it be next day before I head out getting what I need but nothing more. Just something that makes me satisfied for the moment. Tomorrow it will feel as it never happened. I didn’t give up everything, just gave up this little trial. This one day of figuring out. Maybe another weekend. I’m still going to cut my hair tomorrow, will still watch TV and dream of something else. Won’t feel as satisfied with myself, no idea what to do next and besides that what I am doing right now. In a way it’s sad but I also feel that it might have been something, it might not have been for nothing. I just want to be aware that I’m not just doing things without big thoughts about it. If I choose the night out with friends one day I wanna be aware. Maybe it’s a warning, maybe it’s a preparation to understand that it might be right. Maybe I should choose how my life will be, I will choose and maybe I will get a hand. No other way around. Maybe the last 12 hours were meant to be and it all happened as it was supposed to happen. Who knows? ‘Write on days you don’t want to write’ is written on my monitor. Right now it means to me, I am actually impressed how easy it goes. It really seems to mean something to me. I would love to just leave this reality for half an hour, maybe half an hour more and talk/think to the one who is in charge. To someone who can help. Maybe god, maybe my personal guard, maybe my future self, maybe myself in another reality, my soul-mate, what/who ever it is. It would help. Good words for the end of this day, it’s now four past midnight. It’s Sunday. An ordinary day ahead of me. Maybe I keep writing and let you know what an ordinary day feels like. But now, yes I am going to get some food. I will probably spend a few more hours of the new day watching a movie or so. Yes, that’s my life. I probably won’t be able to start anything useful tomorrow. Now I ask myself, how does my life differ from how it was before. Maybe I just realize, both sides of the extreme aren’t good. I guess the few moments as I really got anything done, maybe it was just be accident. I don’t know, maybe I just wanna be blind, maybe I just circle around in both of thees possibilities how things could be. Maybe life isn’t all black and white, just if you want it to be. So should I color it? Now, let’s go. Just one thing I can trust now, it’s my feeling, and my most basic feeling is hunger. Another man who can’t overcome the animal. Why should he? The animal is the one who everyday asks to live, asks to keep breathing, loving, looking around, walking forth and back. It’s not the man who wants and fights for it. It’s the animal, but the animal is not an animal. The animal is not more than everything and just a little piece of nature. I really should stop writing. It’s time.

Sunday 10:30AM

How did last night end? Well direct after writing I remembered that I bought good peperoni last week and since I didn’t want to walk somewhere and maybe just buy junk food in the supermarket I thought this would be perfect. So I sat down in my kitchen, low light, in the middle of the night and made myself a few slices of bread with peperoni and one with cheese. On top sweet chilly sauce and hot sauce, under it just cream cheese. All this went down with half a liter of water. I have to say it was one of the best meal I had since a long time. I enjoyed every bit and was eating it very slow. Well, now I think even if it didn’t finish this weekend. It seems it did change a little and it seems it was enough to somehow motivate me.. Let’s see what today brings.

And I would still love to go out and drink a beer but I would like to do it with someone close, a good friend or so. Even if I ‘know’ people here and with some I can really have a good time I don’t really want to drink with them. It would always feel that I would drink just to fill out the missing part in this relationships here. But I don’t want to drink just to fill out the empty spots. I wanna enjoy a beer or glass of wine from time to time to ‘parsarlo bien con mi amigos’, to have a good time with my friends!

Or I shall go all by myself and jump into weird adventures. But I remember how this ended up a few years back, just finished college, had all the time of the world and responsibility was something that didn’t apply to me. The first party was something little, just a party somewhere in a little village next to my village. I just got to know how it feels like and soon wanted more. The following weekend I made it right, took a bus into a bigger city and there I really learned to know how it feels like. I came back and had stories to tell, so excited, I felt good for days. Coming down was still something I just heard about. From then on, I guess I tasted the blood, the new life, the being so much bigger. I was so amazed by how I changed. From the shy guy who barely talks I transformed every single night into the guy who has long conversation with everyone, except when he’s dancing in the middle of the crowd. On a good day I danced the whole night w/o interruption, and I was good at it too. But as everything, and especially with this stuff. You reach your limit and you go over it. Again and again. I experienced and at the end I got to know, I really got to know what it means. And by all means how was I so blind, so stupid, I just overcame another daemon short before I finished college and then so blind and thoughtless that it almost scares me I went into much deeper shit. And I stayed there for years. It wasn’t as romantic anymore as it was in the early years. Yes I was lost but somehow found by a spiritual believing, a spiritual world of incredible things happen, coincidences. I was one with everything. I didn’t know anything but I felt it, I was part of it, I was being watched, taken care of. But this new experiences, I was just lost, the warm feeling was now cold and life was harsh outside the dream. It wasn’t the same and I am glad I survived it. The end is not going crazy, in a strange way you even might go sane during this time but just because you just stop thinking, you get numb, you mind is just a plane survivor of the chaos of thinking. Nothing left, maybe you still fear people, you fear all kinds if useless stuff but you know why it is, and you don’t care. Even when you get back into the dream, what is it all about? The dream was now reality, and nothing special anymore. You had to feed the dream to feel normal, to feel able to be someone, no one special, just anyone. Of course in your suffering you felt special in the beginning, but soon even this is gone. So, now I look at my life. I never had problems with beer and any alcohol and still I am very concerned about it. I didn’t drink since the army because I realized that the army was the perfect place to really start drinking, and instead of doing so I decided to stay out of this completely. Nothing that has the ability to poison someones mind should go into my body anymore. And now I’m thinking. Is it that bad to just drink from time to time with friends. I don’t know. It would be easier if it wouldn’t be around but it is everywhere. Every social activity seems connected to it. It’s not that I just do it because all the other do it, hell no. It’s because … mmh… when I see it I just want to drink one too, I just want this feeling from time to time, the whole get together and have some fun. Anyways. No decision on that today.

~20 minutes later – The perfect date

I was just writing for myself about that I sometimes do things not because I have any intention behind or because I believe it would lead to something or because I want it. Sometimes I just do things so I experienced them. For example walking to a big window front and watching someone you know on the street. Not because I really want to know what the other person does or creepy stuff like this. I found out just yesterday the only reason is because I just want to experience this. I just want to feel how it would feel to do that. It’s like I play a role, I don’t act the same way as I would act when it means something to me, I act much cooler. I am much calmer and even being outed, getting caught doesn’t seem dangerous because I feel that there is no wrong intention behind. I guess I wanna understand such situations, wanna understand this role, this character I’m playing for this few moments. Maybe one day I will write and this will help because I actually have real life experience what would bring everything I write much closer to a real feel then just making things, making feelings up. It’s hard to explain to someone if they never experienced it. But when you write about something the way you write, the way you choose words are completely different if you experienced something like that or if you make it up. When you have to make something up and you just ‘guess’/'imagine’ how the person would act and feel it always has a question of believing of the author behind. ‘Do you believe the character?’ But when you experienced something you actually tell the readers something that you know is true because you know by your own experience, by your own heart! It’s an expression. Just the good writer might invent something completely out of their mind and it still sounds like they experienced it, maybe it’s just a question of your imagination and how good you can believe yourself. Being a good lair is here definitely from benefit, but I am so fucking honest that I have to stick with what I saw/felt myself, and another amazing source of truth and reality, my dreams, sometimes even more then real life. Because a dream is able to mix phantasy, imagination with a ‘that really happened’ feeling. Mixing lie with truth, being true fiction at the end.

But anyways this wasn’t what I wanted to say. I wanted to talk about beer and dates (going out, not the dates you eat) I went on a few dates since I was here in Toronto and all of them, well mixed success, and didn’t feel that good all the time. You know it’s easy to spend over a hundred dollars on one night and it still isn’t that great. I actually have to day, I am not the guy who goes to Montana’s first to eat and afterward to the movies and whatever else. I mean sure it was an interesting night, a good experience, but all dressed up being someone, or better – being someone else wasn’t what I wanted. Even if she was the prettiest girl in Toronto, and even if it was amazing how everywhere everyone was looking at me how I could get a girl like that… I even bought handcuffs for that night because we had a police joke going on.. but I never got to use them, I had them in my pocked, but oh well… Watching a horror movie with another girl and talking afterward on some bench where we could watch people going in and out of a fitness center was already much cooler. And all the other half-dates I had.. I don’t know. Seeing a movie that was way too serious wasn’t good either, while eating Asian food after in this small restaurant was better. More movies, meeting up at her place… going rock climbing together – well it was cool but it wasn’t a date, or if it was one then a casual one. Not more. But after all this dates and the different things I tried. I think I know what I want, I know how a good date looks like for me. Okay here we go, it could be one date or also divided into two dates. But this would be my dream date. I will also applies my experience in which are the best theaters to go, I tried them all, the big Scotiabank Theater has a perfect last row, hidden in the dark and normally empty, the AMC is expensive and even if the seats are better to put your arm around the girl it still is to hard to do, the seats aren’t really comfortable either, and then there is the tiny $8.50 each Rainbow Cinema, a small cute little cinema with low seats, perfect for any attempt to throw your arm around her. But it is small, you will be seen. So choose wise. But now my perfect dates. I don’t like it too public, why are people doing it, I don’t want to get to know a girls ‘public’ appearance, I really want to get her to know. (I just switched date on with date two, because it seems much more natural to me) Okay, date one we actually wouldn’t go out at all. We would meet up at her place when it is already dark outside. I would bring pizza, lots of it and (here comes the beer) a sixer of bottled Guinness, I would also rent a hole bunch of movies. While not all of my favorites, I think we should both watch a movie we haven’t seen. That way we can both enjoy it. There is still enough time to watch our favorites together. So we would crush on her couch all night and watch movies, eat, talk and so one. Since it would be the first date I would leave before the night is over and when she letting me out the door would in this case be the door-moment. It would be an awesome night. The next date, depends on how date one went we could even go out, since we now both reached some sort of comfort level in knowing each other so we wouldn’t be someone else when we would go somewhere. I would meet up early so around 5PM, the weather should be good. We would meet up at the Kensington Market and spend 45 minuted at Big Fat Burritos. My favorite place in Toronto. After that we would walk around a little and I would think of something to do, something a little more creative. I liked going rock climbing, so I would probably do something that’s similar cool. And if we would ever go to Montana’s. Jack Astor’s, Spring Rolls, Red Lobster’s or any of these places then just because it’s our first anniversary and our first few lovely dates made a couple out of us, we also wouldn’t take it that serious, we probably would see being in such a place is just fun, after that we would probably go into the cute Rainbow Cinema after a walk through the city. Maybe I am a romantic or maybe just something else.

About restaurants, have you ever noticed when you look into one of these more expensive places that who ever you see in there, whatever you see it has so much more reason then anything else. I mean I don’t see one face that just sits there to pass some time and get something quick to eat. What you see are important business meetings, expensive dates, three year anniversaries, desperate dates of young people, a best friend who tries to impress a girl who tells him we should just stay friends – oh poor boy – and she looks at the good dressed guy next to your table who can afford this place everyday – don’t take her to such a place where you make yourself to a little cat under all this lions – be free and do something else. Everything in such a place has reason, and I don’t know. Sometimes I just want to do things without all this high expectations, why should I even create such high expectations if I can’t live up to it afterward? Anyways. My thoughts are wandering back to my perfect date. So shall it be, and that’s the moment I will allow myself a beer. Can it be more romantic?

See you in a bit.

The Six Dollar Haircut
8:49PM