10PM Sunday Oct. 25

I allow me one page.

I am jealous of Lucas / Lukas how he wants his name written. He’s just 17 and writing, I have to admit what I remember – amazingly good. He picks up new stuff in short time and it seems even after some quiet, no motivation time he comes back to it and makes it even better/more. He;s 17 and now hr starts making movies and he really has funny scenes. I haven’t seen all his stuff but what I saw was again so amazing and since then he has done many things I haven’t even seen yet. If he keeps it up like this. I mean you see all this great geniuses, artists, writer, scientists, they start so young and in their very early 20′s they make their big step. He will be amazing. I don’t know how great but he will be great. I have to acknowledge this, at least here, written, sometimes I even with him bad experiences, to get lost with drugs so he doesn’t come that far and looses his talent. But I know it’s because I can’t, everything I do is so hard, so slow and I’m 25 and can’t look at any result, nor any experience either. I’m 25 and he is way ahead of me, he’s several works to look back. I’ve none, just a few little trials, nothing big and it seems there is nothing really in the future. I have creativity bit not enough motivation, not enough Treiben/Trieb to proof any talent. I shouldn’t be so hard to him but his arrogance kills me even more. He once looked up to me but even faster climbed over my shoulder. He even has to be the right to be arrogant because he does things I would love to do with the same pace and Gelassenheit. Our friendship ended as he came over his love and moved on, already something I might never be able to do, years passed since I lost mine. I was not able to fight back as this young boy started challenging the one he has met as someone strong. I couldn’t take one more attack, humiliation in front of the others. I don’t think he will ever/ or not very soon understand what all this means. Maybe one day, always too late. I’m afraid of his understanding that is just a giving, a polite giving from the rich to the poor, because it’s supposed to be like that. Real understanding would hurt him that much, it would hurt his heart and he would join me on the ground, sitting together with me. (I don’t want him to be there, he should be where he is – I have to find my way from where I am.) I would feel that he feels and from then he might understand that for me it is way more serious then that. I.L.

Maybe after almost a year I forgive myself and him.

Maybe now I allow him to influence my life.