Life teaches lessons, one after another and if you keep going for more you’ll get back, more lessons to learn. My life’s crazy in the last time, so crazy that it almost seems normal and I don’t even remember who I was before this all started here in Monterrey. I really just came here for writing and the first four weeks that’s what I mostly did, besides some going out and stuff. People told me to go out more often and well gave me the idea my life’s boring. But I needed this writing and it’s like I found myself in it. It seems i found my life, my visions, my work and besides that I found so much more. One day I figured, well, I know I am Marco Boerner, I know I’m artist, I know I’m writer and photographer, and I figured I can call myself bohemian, and virtue a little, both twisted close together like two young people having sex, great sex, amazing sex for the first time. But I also figured I romanticize, I’m melancholic and addicted. I want to live the freedom but having a hard time really doing it all the way. I know it, I knew it from the very beginning, but I still couldn’t make the step to let go as I should have. But it was so hard, it was just too good and I lost myself in it. Now I’m here, I remember how life was smiling at me, how it felt and smelled and every of the laughs and crazy dances. I needed sleep, I got some and it was as if I wasn’t alone, everything was so close, but not longer sad and down, I realized. Man, the last days were great and were the top of this amazing story of Monterrey. Well, I’m still here, still another five days, who knows what’s going to happen next! Because things are wild and crazy and she was right this morning. I want the freedom, I live the freedom, I go into anything new with this freedom and know I’m going to leave one day, so why attach myself? Why not having a great time as long as it lasts and why not just learning to step back when you know, even you self needs space to breath and think and reflect and actually do some work. I get easily lost, once I’ve found. Can’t put it in words here what goes on in my mind. And I’m hungry, a little hangover, it’s hot and I do feel fine. But wow, I have to get off of certain thoughts. I wish sometimes things would be a little more, I wish I could understand all of it, I liked the touch and pain on the skin of my back, all the little things in between. I miss it in a way, I really do, and maybe it makes me hurt a little. It’s all so fast and time is gone. It’s strange. What is life all about? I can’t really tell right now, maybe I try to ignore some facts that have a value for me, or I give them to much weight. But, well. I don’t know. I should not think too much about this. It’s definitely not the best things I’ve ever written, actually it’s horrible because I don’t even know how to say all this that’s in my mind and I don’t even know what I think and feel and who I am. It’s all perfect and great when I’m at ease and then I can be the bohemian virtue, but sometimes when little things, and bigger once go wrong, feel wrong, or if there’s no feeling at all, or anything, I am lost and I don’t get it that I should just relax, I’m too anxious of the wrong changes and an end, way to soon. I’m just asking, teach me to be free! Tell me about it, tell me how it feels, tell me how being free is over the years, share with me the experience of being free. (I really need you to tell me!) I hope we’re going to see the dead in the next few days and I want you to tell me because I want to learn! It’s my truth, I need to understand, I’m good with life until it comes to a certain part, and I’ve gone pretty much all the way already, but I know I’m not yet there, get me closer!

It’s been a few month now that I decided I’m not longer running away, I decided I’m on my way home, the distance measurable, might grow, but the one in my mind does not. And I think it was until then that nothing really changed in my life but the moment I decided I’m half way and now it’s time, it was time! It is time to really understand and get all the experiences I hoped for before I started traveling. And that’s as I realized I have to take things in my hand. I love saying it “If things don’t happen, make them happen!” if I die right now, put this on my gravestone! It’s one of the last big things I’ve said, this and “I am Marco Boerner”. So I know it’s going home, or into this direction and I know now things just have to happen. And I’m talking about everything I dreamed off! It’s not always easy, but there comes the next important things I learned to stick to, it’s being honest, and I’m not just talking about not lying much, I mean be really really honest! You won’t believe how this affects your life, I mean, it’s almost scary and it seems by being honest you almost give your life out of your hands, that’s what you think, you feel, because you don’t make decisions on telling the truth or not anymore. You know for every question there’s just one answer, for every feeling there’s just one expression, for everything you want there’s just one way to say it. It’s really crazy and puts me into trouble all the time but it makes me feel so much better because I am more and more honest, and things happen in a completely different way. But I know at last, even if I get into bigger shit, at the end I stuck to my truth. And OMG, it feels good to write about it! Okay, here it is:

Girl! I don’t know if I can really relax because, man, I am jealous and shouldn’t, I mean I live as free as you do and still I get jealous and want everyone to know, I can’t stand sitting next to you and not being able to show, and I just, it’s difficult. I somehow like it to be all secretly, but then I love the others to see, I want them to know and I just go for it. It’s crazy, I really don’t understand this trait in me, it’s, I guess I’m just lacking experience. I really want to relax, but I’m uneasy because every time we separate or I don’t get the same attention I feel things are just gone. And it’s crazy.. I want more and more, and always want more. I can’t stop thinking about it. And I know it was too much because I don’t know what happened but no one could see anymore. Sorry for being too drunk last night, I should have let you go on your own but I could not, and the party, it was just crazy. And I have to step back with going out, I can’t spend that much anymore. But I want another great night before I leave.. and I hope it will be good, I guess I have to put my mind onto something else in the mean time. But I feel the pressure when I just think about another night. It’s a kind of. I don’t know, it’s like I rather want it easy. I’m sad because I’m not going to publish that. It too honest and I’m afraid it will go wrong because of that. But then, wasn’t this the sense of it? Fuck it! I’ll publish it, maybe by chance you’ll read it, or I might even tell you. I should tell you all this anyways. So, how can we be able to have one great last night? I need to rest, need to sleep and work and make sport for a few days. Then I might even be able to introduce you to the real me, you might actually like him. “Hi, I’m Marco!” (with a real smile) But then we should get beer anyways and get drunk in a fun way, without my mind passing out. I’m not the guy for a two days straight kind of thing.. I need rest.. : ) And the funny thing is, we both knew but you could admit it, I couldn’t because I was too scared. But before, I really wanna go to the cemetery with you, I like dark romantic things, we can search for a place where we could put my grave or so, maybe take some pictures!  : )  Btw. I would love the one you took from me! Anyways, I don’t know if any of this will happen or is going to work out, because who knows, and you never know how we think and feel about this in a few days… right now I keep feeling the pressure of a need and fear and I know it will take a while to get rid of that, and you might just not want anything to heavy again. So, well.. At least at the end I did voice the truth and who knows what’s tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after. Miss you, I really love seeing you laugh and smile btw. I think that’s what I remember the most, seeing you watch Simpsons or some comedy show and just hearing you laugh, I think that was the best feeling ever. I smile right now about that. : ) Bye bye girl! You should have known how I felt the moment you closed your door behind me this morning. Should I scream, hit the wall, knock several times, cry, shake my head, run.. It was too much, I knew nothing of it made sense, and maybe I’ve learned already something. I just walked home, did some voice recordings, wrote into my journal, added the pages from yesterday, then I wrote emails, slept and it felt good, a few times I could almost swear you were next to me and I was a kind of laughing about that. Okay girl, you’re cool, I like you. Bye now.

Marco (Hi!)