When you play a role, a role that’s your own, sometimes things get out of control. Some might know about the making of Appocalypse Now. The Doors playing in the background, he’s smashing the mirror, bleeding hand, he’s going crazy. It’s one of the best scenes in the movie, and few might know that it was real. Martin Shen actually was drunk and probably on other drugs too and everything you see was a kind of imporvisation that got out of controll. It was the moment as Martin realised himself. Copolla wanted to stop filming as Martin’s hand was bleeding but Martin wanted to go on. During this he actually got an heart attack and was for weeks not able to shoot. So, he not just played a role, no one just plays a role, a part in someones story, I’m not just  a part in my story. I should realize that, I should realise that this is actually my real life too and, wow, it’s gotten a little out of control. Today is gonna be the last day. I have the next few weeks for myself, I have to get back in shape, have to clean and heal, and I missed my 21 day fasting, and I can’t do it now, I’m far away from ready, even if I would need it now the most. I’m gonna plan on fasting after this week. Seven days should be perfect. It will be the longest continious fasting I’ve ever had. And I know I do need it. So many things happened in the last time, I jumped from one crazyness to the next, and sometimes things were amazing and pretty and beautiful, but I was quick in jumping somewhere else and getting it back by the mess around. It’s hard to explain. Things are strange. It all started in the middle of June, and now it’s the last day of July. Over six weeks and no time to rest, think about anything. Burning Man and the end of the North American part of my journey is close and I don’t want it to end with the same quote as in Easy Rider.

Billy: We did it, man. We did it, we did it. We’re rich, man. We’re retirin’ in Florida now, mister.

Captain America: You know Billy, we blew it.

I knew exactly what he meant, and I felt bad already.

I made many friends in the last week and many are very close to me, but I also have to apologize when sometimes I just forgot what it means to be a friend too and not just to have a friend. Today is gonna be the last day I keep telling myself. Someone got lost on the way, I have to find him and bring him back. Poor child of mine.

On August 16 I’m exactly four years on the road, and almost two and a half years I spend in North America, almost a month now in Austin, since a few month I’m on the road again. And I’m telling you now, I have things to tell. Where ever I end up after that, somewhere quiet in New Zealand, that’s the plan, doing art and working my ass off, hard physical labor, that’s what I need. Going camping on a free weekend and telling my friends about everything that happened here. Wish me something, wish me that I’ll find. I’ve eaten from the tree of wisdom, I’ve eaten plenty, but I should not always eat it with beer. Now, there might be wisdom, close to be discovered, if I just take the time. I’ve talked to a good friend and told her about the tree, the tree and the apple, the forbidden fruit that shows up again and again in my recent life. I ask someone to open a book, and there it is written, I go to an art show, and there it is on the wall, carved out of wood, someone turns on the tv and there it was again in front of me. I do not believe in how this story has been told to us. I think in life we are all supposed to eat from this tree. Not because I think we should sin, first of all, we should redefine what sin actually is. I think it’s a challenge, you are here to get to know, you have the chance to get to know things. And the quest is to overcome the fear and resistance in yourself, the fear that does not make sense sometimes. We are here to eat from the tree and to experience life, knowledge, freedom, feelings, love and all that is there. So take it all but eat carefully. Enjoy all this tree has to give and share whatever you get from it.

I’m gonna get ready now, heading out to help a friend move, then a opening party, then a friends birthday – and after that. I’ll be home.

Things are gonna change out here.

Take it easy, rock ‘n’ roll!

Marco