This was a very strange week. Or let’s say in a way different then the weeks before. Well, actually, every week was in it’s own way so extreme. I can’t believe how many strange weeks I had in a row now. So much time is just gone since I came back from the Caribbean. Month already. I don’t even know what I was able to do in this time. I did a lot but can’t recall anything major. It is weird. Well. This week, I didn’t feel like this since a while. I just thought, hey let’s try it. Let’s follow this path that opened in front of me. I walked and walked and at the end there was just – confusion. Never ending confusion. Actually it felt good. Maybe I needed it, I do need it once in a while. It’s something that never ends. Something I can count on it will be no difference. It’s good to know that in a always new surprising way I will be surprised with exactly the same. It sound just silly to even listen to myself. Today was definitely the highlight of the week. There was a moment as I even lost my voice because I couldn’t say anything anymore. I was so excited and nervous, more nervous all day. Story of my life, should I try to hide the sarcasm in my post? Maybe not. Now I feel good. I got myself together, now I can see, feel myself again as the person I am. Why and how can I always loose myself in such an extreme that the only thing I can do at the end is getting all numb, while this time I actually remained passionate until the very… until an hour ago. I think it was passion, not that there was enough conciseness to get it straight myself what I actually feel. It’s weired.
My website is slowly moving forward. Pretty light, have to get used to it myself. Out of the dark now I’m blended, hopefully not blinded. But it seems okay, my eyes don’t hurt anymore and it seems as I can see. If you want to see something, have a look at my galleries, I added a few in. If you know my old website you probably saw most of the pictures already.
I’m so glad when this week is over. It cost me a lot and it keeps eating on myself. There are a few, just a few glimpses of light and enlightening this week that let me look up, nut this very few mean a lot to me. Thank you for that!
Man, I really lost my voice today. It was hard, I was fighting, I pushed myself into the crowed just to TALK, just to HEAR myself talking. I know it’s now just a matter of time, and every time I learn something. I talk out of experience, even if I don’t feel it now, even if every single emotion in myself tries to work me down – I know. I will be standing up, once more and again! It’s a matter of time. A matter of how I handle it. It’s seems it’s just gotten to be an art. And so I will create.
I feel also very bound right now, something holds me back and I feel the pressure in me raising up more and more. I wanna start with my shootings. If I can’t do it soon I will go crazy. There is something, a part in myself that wants to be expressed, a part that wants to express itself. If I don’t do it soon I will loose it and it will be lost for a long time, maybe forever. Certain things have their certain time and this time is now. Don’t hold me back, what is this stupid chain that holds me down. Maybe it’s just mud I’m sitting in and soon the pressure, the tension, my will to get out of here is so strong that I will just get up, get out of the dirt. It will take all my energy but once I’m up!
Life’s not always easy to look trough. This morning I compared it with a labyrinth. It’s a metaphor I keep using here in this city. You think about the choices and all the different ways. You struggle and keep walking to the left and right where you regularly meet the wall. But at the end you will find out that there is no left and right, just forward and back, inevitable it will lead you to your destiny – hopefully your goal. Please let it be mine! It wouldn’t be the first time that I walk in unbelieving for so long because I couldn’t remain the one who believes all the time, and find out at the end it all makes sense. It’s been a while that I got this feeling, I’m close to think I really lost it this time. I can just hope, maybe one day – maybe some day there will be the right light and I can see the way ahead and the way behind and it all makes sense. It has really been a while.
Well, enough for now. I should get a little more sleep. I wish I had something nice to do on the weekend. Sure I will work on things, maybe even make big steps with my project but so after a while. My heart is odd to me, it feels dull after a while. I just want my heart to smile for a few hours, a unburdened day. It sounds like a dream. How do I miss a smile, a long hug as good bye at the end of a perfect day. Even if it’s just for a day, just to dream this one day. It would mean something. I should sleep, literally sleep. It’s a kind of late.
My best greets to everyone. At least it’s still some kind of warm. (smile)
Have a good night you all!
Marco
