HEROES
Can’t, won’t be able to put all my thoughts onto paper right now, too many are there but I’ll try a few! First of all, there are heroes, great heroes in my life, and I’ve just found and realized, a handful friends, everyone of them so great.
My friends: I love you, you are all great and without one of you, life would be not as it is now!
And some I’m afraid to loose because I haven’t heard from them in such a long time, and instead of answers or QUESTIONS, there is silence and silence is there. But be assured, you’re my heroes too, because I know you work hard and we all do, and you work on something that means a lot and I am jealous because I don’t have the bases, don’t have the motivation, don’t have the endurance to go that way, and I so wish I could, know you are a heroes for me.
PAST AND NOW
You won’t believe, so many thoughts about the past, about people I’ve lost and people I find again. Memories that were lost for so long and just by thinking of it, what I feel is an honest love for the other person, a personal love, how you love someone close, so hard to explain! But also love because I see things with different eyes right now, because I get to understand things. Things have changed and things ARE CHANGING now! And I run into two, maybe even more directions the same time and I can’t tell if I move back into a swamp or forward towards myself, maybe I’m shifting sidewards and just don’t understand it yet, or maybe I felt off a cliff, finally, and now it’s too late? What direction I go, I can’t tell, it’s just moving towards every side, maybe I’m mistaking and there is another dimension of my movements, something higher, something I can’t see, a tesseract-like movement. Isn’t it pretty?
FLYING
Writing feels good, I needed it. But here I am and I feel so much more for everyone I’ve known and everyone I’ve liked once, just because I understand the importance of such a fact, such an act – liking someone. Well, I get to understand. I feel so far and but was also never so close that I touched, yes felt and laid on the ground the way I do now. Sometimes I have dreams of flying, In my dream I know I can but I am scared, I jump in front of me and the last moment before I touch the ground my body pulls up and I fly, not more then a feet above the ground but I do fly! Sometimes I learned to fly higher, but not very often. In my dream I was afraid of height, afraid of flying too high because I never know if I can always fly or not, because the dream always starts with the fact that I have never done it and think I can not. So I need to be confident that I always can fly and always will, doesn’t matter how high, and maybe a little higher would give me at least enough time to start flying again in case I fall down. So I’ll rather fall from high and have a chance instead of flying medium high and crash because there was no time to rethink. And what about staying low? Well, why do I fly when I no more then pair with the others feet and shoes? Well, but even down there I always like the feeling of being in the air.
PUNCHING INTO THE DARKNESS UNTIL IT BLEEDS DAYLIGHT
So here I am, punching into the dark, walking in the night, looking for something, and I haven’t found and I have the feeling the only thing that I will gain, or rather loose is fear, maybe, or maybe not. I am fearless anyways, I think, maybe not, no I’m not, I do fear and sometimes I fear a lot, but I still keep walking, I don’t turn around.
RUN BABY, RUN BABY RUN…
I listen to music I’ve listened to long time ago, I feel empty, alone. Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressive or down, there is no big unmanageable chaos that surrounds me and nothing should make anyone THINK. It’s not like that, It’s something else, it’s a weird phase I’m in. What if you run all your life, first you started a kind of walking, then you walked a little faster, then you started to run and you realize you’ve run so long and then after all this running you just stop. Done, you look around and what do you see? What did you expect to see, how different looks a world when you don’t run anymore? What did you think it would look like? Calm, relaxed, no more stress? No, but it’s the same world, isn’t it? Just a different pace, and even the pace you get used to, and then? Does it make any difference? Forgive me if I use my blog here to just wash my brain by getting all my thoughts out. Cleaning it up up there and all the trash lands here on the page. Poor readers, if any.
GERMANY, TOO SOON?
I’ve tried to play with the idea of calling home, my mom and grandmother, but, I am not sure anymore. Haven’t spoken a word in German since so long, writing still goes fairly well, but talking? Here is another German guy right now, and I tried, the first time in two years or so, to have a continuous conversation with him, well, no chance. I just don’t get the sentences right, it’s all mixed up. I start a sentence and realize that I can’t start it like that, but half the sentence is already out. It’s horrible! I am working on it, need to get back to it, need to prepare for the day in 2012 when I will be . . . home? But I was ready, I really think I am, or did think. But now I am confronted just with one German guy and the thought of being there in Germany, with all this nonsense, the nonsense I am now not confronted with, all this stuff you see in the medias and TV, read and listen to every day, man! You don’t even realize how narrow minded this all is! It fucking is! You get pieces of nothing and always the same pieces, followups of the same fucking brainwash story you got to know the day before. You don’t even realize, even the ‘alternatives’ or the once claim to life against the stream are just perfectly in the stream and seem as silly as anyone else. With their alternative writing, alternative art, made for the main stream alternative. I just don’t want all this stuff to flush back into my mind, I was out of it for so long and – yes! It cleaned my mind! I am not affected or confronted by it, I don’t hear people talking about some silly news flash that doesn’t help anyone. Fuck! It’s so wrong, and nothing is right and people make money with it and people spend money to stay informed about what to think for the next few days, and what to talk about at work.
Even this fucking social networking, xxxxVZ and all the others, don’t you see how many already follow blind everything that is just posted on the main pages with this easy going college style lingo, so everyone thinks it’s one of their talking. (about this lingo later more) They even made went so far to promote and support their own party, does anyone realize that this is not really something a portal that has so many different members should do? Doesn’t matter what their agenda is and doesn’t matter how it might benefit the portal, it’s not right that way and can turn out very wrong! Just think of it, go through it and decide if every fucking newspaper, TV channel, and website really needs to color itself. Man, just remain free and open. But politics I guess is what you have to do. Today it’s politics, tomorrow religion and moral and ten years later we all kill Jews again, or any other group that just doesn’t do as we like, what about the Turks? We do have trouble with them? Don’t you think? Once they reach second or third generation they don’t like us anymore anyways, they take over our beautiful cities, they don’t learn our language and make streets at night a dangerous place to be, og and of course they take our jobs! Please xxxxVZ, start posting it now – lets get rid of them! The xxxxKZ is already heating up the oven! You know in what direction you go already anyways, one day or another we all end up alRIGHT.
And the worst after all this that hurts my mind, is the German language! Not the German language in general, while I do agree with a few aspects of Twain’s ‘Awful German Language’, especially when he talks about our need to blow up sentences with adjectives and descriptions before we finally get to the verb, and to be honest, there are a few masters who actually master their craft, all the others, stop imitating the masters! You suck! But this isn’t the point here, it the change I noticed. Before I left I already felt the changeof things coming and getting worse, the way how thing are said and I already disliked it! But now it’s fucking everywhere! Everything is made soft and every youthful meant sentence sounds like some.. can’t even describe it. Just imagine there is one person who seems to write all those article and little sentences, and this is a person with a few weak character traits you don’t like at all. Friendly somehow, too friendly, but also just without any deep conviction, just this softly talking about nonsense, and if there is a serious topic thy make it sound as null as everything else they say, so we don’t even want to care about this anymore and since we don’t care about we say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ as wanted. If anyone has seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back? Yes! (I am aware of the fact that using this here as a reference really takes any wind out of the sail of my arguments, but I just need to bring it up.) Who ever saw it, there was this animal loving guy (Stiffler), wearing bracelets, long hair, playing guitar and always being all nice; “…girls don’t fart!” and so on, and that’s exactly him! A mix of him and a sociology student, anal penetrated by Ned Flanders, and every student who has anyhow somehow made it that other people listen to him sounds now like this kind of guy. No one seems to bee loud any more, no one opens their mouth. Every fucking text wants to sound like it’s written by this guy. I see it everywhere, I just can’t stand it. Stop making serious arguments to some SOFT-FUCK by adding ‘gell’ and.., ahhh! I wish I would have a few more examples in mind right now, so I could show you how things are!
And maybe it’s just me. maybe I’ve just had bad luck and run the same day over twenty cases that all were the same. Tell me it is not! All this, the difficulties to get back to it, the soft and if not soft then the arrogance that is based on nothing, the stuff I read and hear about once in a while makes it so hard to imagine coming back. But I will because I have a personal mission. Trust me when I say, I do need this next two years to make myself clear in what relation I stand to everything, to Germany. Because, this is FUCKED UP! And I enjoy saying FUCKED UP!, not because I do not care about my words, I do care more then ever and I choose to say FUCKED UP! because I rather say this then eating Gummibärchen out of Ned Flanders’ ass! I did not even want to talk that much about it, did not even know it concerned me that much. But it does, and hopefully I will find a clear stand on this. It’s FUCKED UP! because I’m in between of two languages, I’m not good with my English and I know I will never come close to perfection, but I am also so far and distant to the German one. I hope that this allows me to have a good look at all this, not just the language, also my country and its people. It won’t be easy, but there is no way I fall back to the same pattern, I need to make clear who I am, in relation to the place I used to life and the place I choose to life in the future!
So many thoughts, I have time to think about all of this. I wanna say good night, it’s half past four in the morning. It’s messed up, I know.
EL MARIACHI
I got back from town, all here were sleeping except this young long haired boy, he’s 18, a kind of Mariachi, comes from Mexico City, is already married and lives here from guitar play. He works on the only computer here almost as much on his music then I do on my (bad) writing. He was here on the computer as I came in, it was around 1:30AM and he was eating a bowl of cereals, some corn flakes. He looked all guilty about it. I know that guilt, eating again the same stuff that is normally meant for breakfast but it’s just so quick and even after eating it everyday for a week still tastes good. He looked down and I certainly broke off his joy. I felt bad, c’mon kid keep eating and enjoy it, since you’re eating it anyways, why grief about it? But I made it up to him and made him visible happy just half a minute later as I returned from the kitchen with a bag of cookies and marmalade with it. It put a big smile into the young boys face. So we both sat there and I realized just in this very moment how similar we both are. Both artists, a kind of trapped in between, both sitting there with our semi-screwed up life that some might call creative chaos once the artist is established enough, he’ll keep feeling guilty about all the things he just doesn’t get managed in his already overload confusing artist’s life. Man, but I tell you, life’s so much better if you get it all sorted out! I mean it’s almost magic, you spend double the time to actually improve you life and what you get back is three times as much productivity. Meaning three hours of cooking a big dinner gives me almost a day’s time of writing or do what ever I want, and it works vice verso too! Meaning spending all day working and putting the work first, starting with just a little piece in the morning direct after breakfast, or even before you’ll find at the end of the day that you’ve not just done you’re daily workload, you’ve done million things in between and all so clear minded and successful that you wonder; You would have never been able to even finish half of the things if you wouldn’t have actually concentrated on a much more time consuming part, your actual work. It’s weird. My quick conclusion, if you feel you’re overload, if you think you never have time for anything and don’t get done with anything, start with the most important and most time consuming job and really do it! Don’t hesitate doing stuff like cooking either, you will find out it does not take time at all. Just do it regularly, don’t let it get loose again. But, oh well, I myself am deep in my creative chaos right now and well, I have to life with the fact; I am not artist enough to claim the right of having a creative phase / a messed up time / chaos. People will look, and judge and criticize from, metaphorical speaking, wherever they are, about how you life your life, and the young boy and I will have to defend ourselves with nothing but a head full of ideas and a bunch of unfinished works in our hand that are first pieces and BAD, as mentioned above. But we have to cope with that, with the people and the fact that our work might be bad, but we have to do it anyways so we can do something else after that and after that and after that and hopefully, fingers crossed one day when we’re not have given up of exhaustion someone will say ‘it’s not too bad’ and actually mean it. Well, it’s still a way to go. My long haired friend who I can’t really have a conversation with since we just don’t speak the same language, we’re alike. At least we linger together in our creative mess right now.
EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE
Forgive me when I don’t look at this writing and leave it the way it is, rewriting sometimes kills the flow, but it’s just about the fact that I am hungry again and I should sleep. Every our longer and the end of this chaos will be suspended even more.
Have a good night you all. And here a few simple tips I want to give that have proven to be essential and working to get your life to way you want it.:
Sleep well
Eat well
Do your work
Have a break
And if it doesn’t work out, well accept the chaos and make the best out of it!
I wish you all something! May we all find one day.
GOOD NIGHT!
Marco
PS: I figured, and so I wished you all love.
HEROES
Can’t, won’t be able to put all my thoughts onto paper right now, too many are there but I’ll try a few! First of all, there are heroes, great heroes in my life, and I’ve just found and realized, a handful friends, everyone of them so great.
My friends: I love you, you are all great and without one of you, life would be not as it is now!
And some I’m afraid to loose because I haven’t heard from them in such a long time, and instead of answers or QUESTIONS, there is silence and silence is there. But be assured, you’re my heroes too, because I know you work hard and we all do, and you work on something that means a lot and I am jealous because I don’t have the bases, don’t have the motivation, don’t have the endurance to go that way, and I so wish I could, know you are a heroes for me.
PAST AND NOW
You won’t believe, so many thoughts about the past, about people I’ve lost and people I find again. Memories that were lost for so long and just by thinking of it, what I feel is an honest love for the other person, a personal love, how you love someone close, so hard to explain! But also love because I see things with different eyes right now, because I get to understand things. Things have changed and things ARE CHANGING now! And I run into two, maybe even more directions the same time and I can’t tell if I move back into a swamp or forward towards myself, maybe I’m shifting sidewards and just don’t understand it yet, or maybe I felt off a cliff, finally, and now it’s too late? What direction I go, I can’t tell, it’s just moving towards every side, maybe I’m mistaking and there is another dimension of my movements, something higher, something I can’t see, a tesseract-like movement. Isn’t it pretty?