I am soooooo busy,but actually I am not. It’s more a mess, chaos, creaticvity, chaos. Guess my mind can’t decide yet if this chaos is really creativity, and I probably won’t know until I’m trough with it. Oh yes. I keep starting to write storrys, things I wanna put out here, things I wanna tell you because they moved me, people who deserve to be mentioned, experienced that need to be shared but I never make it all the way to the end, after three pages my time runs out and I’m still not finished, so I keep it for myself rather then putting out what’s not fully done. And sometimes I just don’t publish because it’s to close, or maybe to far away from myself. From how I feel and live my life right now. Sometimes I feel down, write it down but once it’s written I feel way better, so I don’t even publish because it’s not longer me. And just putting it out here because of the sake of it. No I don’t think I should act that way. Alone for the reason, once it said it’s fact. Every feeling put out here is fact and sometimes I don’t want to make anything fact that’s gone already. Oh crazy time. All started weeks back as I went to Algonquin Park, if I would have published the story you would know about – but well I did not. Then a book I found, another story that never found it’s way and after that all this fun since Halloween, now my creative rush into some completely different adventures. I got my ticket to Cuba, I go crazy – I really did it. I already said to myself I won’t go – no money, afraid of the risk, the tough time afterward. But then one night I had a dream and as I woke up – I knew I will go. There was no second I had to think about. I just knew. Last week I bought my ticket. Cost me a hell lot of money but I didn’t care. Even if I have to live in a tent for month after that. It was my dream – is my dream after all and I did not realize for so long. But this wasn’t really the adventure, the adventure I am talking about – since a long time I will pick up my camera again and see what crossed my lens. My head is crowded with ideas and heavy because of the planning that needs to be done. But I have fun, oh and another story I did not yet write about. I picked up a bottle of beer once or twice, since Halloween. I was thinking much longer about this then it seemed and I decided why not. I feel now old enough for it. I was always afraid it would become some kind of substitute. But I had lots of time to become who I am and hopfully I am more cautios. But I found out I am still no fan of beer while I rediscovered a glas of red wine with friends or during dinner. Getting drunk, I hate that idea.Nothing I like, I don’t like the idea of loosing my head. Anyways. Things are so weird, going up and down, forth and back and I feel .. oh what do I feel .. it’s hard to tell for sure. And what direction I go, I don’t know. But after this meaningless summer, this dead time in my life. I needed a change and I need this change to hold on, better said I need the feeling of changing to be consistent.
As said, life changes, I do change, just weeks left before I leave this town, I am excited, sometimes worried but then I just don’t. Things will work out in some way. What a time. I start thinking back. But I still try not to, I wanna wait until it’s done. Until I’m gone then I allow myself to fully understand, to smile about this craziness. When I sit in a plane to somewhere else. Knowing, this is it. Going to a new place, leaving everything behind. It’s finally really bitter-sweet. It amazes me. I will miss, definitely and once everything is just a memory I will miss even more. Maybe it will never be the same, I almost feel home here, almost feel established and I know another two years I could accomplish more then a lot. I am so close already, but maybe I need the knowledge of always leaving soon in order to do anything. Maybe I’m getting lazy and numb like this summer as I had way to much time. Maybe if I experience the same a few more time I will learn, learn for the future, learn how to be like always in a rush, like always heading for something.
Maybe. It’s 2:22 in the morning, just started organising my mp3′s. No deep meaning behind besides a good memory I fell over a mixtape and just started listening to it. It’s almost over, ‘Cry for more’ is playing. I actually look already with a smile back. I was sad for a while, completely forgot that I was happy, and now I am getting close to be really happy again and I feel it, I remember it and now if I had to think about everything. I was riding the subway without pants, I made friends and lost them, I came as close as I am able to to something called love, I tried to find something with way to many girls, I made a mixtap once and was fighting for something I believe in. Two things I regretted that I have never done years back home. Maybe I was unfair and a little to egoistic, maybe blind. But oh well. I got my new camera, I took pictures, I was working with a model, I found myself to be more an artist then I thought. I had two art shows, hey I just left Germany to travel, who would have known, I went to church, I lost faith, and found it again, something no one can share with words, something I just live. I watched way to much porn, felt way better without internet, got internet again, broke my wireless adapter apart, bought a new one not even a week later, going to return it. I bought a guitar, played with it until I found out I play left. Returned my guitar, got a new one. Had to start all over again, very hard to do. Now I’m where I was before. I wrote so many words, I probably will never be able to find time to read all this pages again. Counting close to 1500 by now, maybe even a little more. It is 2:32AM, I really have to sleep now. Tomorrow will be a long day.
Now I am close not to submit it. But I will, stream of consciousness writing. Do you see the mess? No wrong ideas please. I like things right now. I grow with everyday, sometimes slide back a little. But that’s how it is. : )
Thanks to my Uncle who recommended to watch ‘Into the Wild’ – great movie. No worries to family, I won’t go that far into the wild. : )
Best to my family, I try to write something for Christmas and New Years. But just in case already a Merry Christmas! Gute Weihnachten, hab euch alle lieb!
Bye for now
Marco
PS: I did not expect to write that much, I just wanted to say that I don’t have time to write. :)