It is early Monday morning. It is 2AM and I should sleep. Have to work tomorrow but I can’t and I don’t know why. Am I on the edge again? The edge of what?? I broke almost everything I could possibly break without breaking me but I feel still like I’m in jail. I can’t move, I can’t go where I wanna go, I can’t take what is mine. Not that I claim anything right now. Maybe that’s the point? There is nothing I could think of claiming to be mine. Nothing I want to claim right now, even if I could. It’s so weird.

Today I passed a parking lot and a big red EXIT sign seemed to be broken. The first two letters where flashing – tearing the word EXIT apart into EX and IT!! EX IT! It appeared as such a strong meaningful word to me that it burned a prime place into my mind. EX IT! EX IT! EX IT! ..and it doesn’t stop! It seems that I am supposed to know – what the fuck does it mean? Am I going mad right now? At least I can still tell. Can I? But why do I react that way? Why does such a simple word, such a simple message, such a simple coincidence make me react that way?? I don’t know! I feel weird in the last time anyways.

There are good moments, simple relaxed moments. I wrote many of my friends in the last days and also my family got some mail. There was not much trouble at all. But I feel so bored! I feel that something is missing. Maybe things aren’t supposed to be that way. When did I choose the wrong way? I look back and can’t tell for sure. I spend so many thoughts about this in the last days. Yes – Toronto was a trail, a first test, something that could easily fail and I would be okay with it. Rather now then somewhere in the future at a place where I really wanna be. Maybe I save my dream of tomorrow by failing today? Or did I fail all my dreams because of where I am now, because of what I did and what I wasn’t able to do? I do not know and I do not understand. I don’t even know who I was living with in my mind for the last half a year.

I had believing, I had faith and now there is nothing. I give myself up step by step. Many won’t believe it, it also sounds silly and meaningless but for me it meant a lot – that I started drinking caffeine and I was eating sweet stuff. I didn’t bother poisoning my body with anything like this since over a year, and now I just broke my promises. Promises to who?? I don’t even remember – I was so faithful and you know what broke my faith?? Besides so many other things?? I was so stupid and followed some inner meaningful feeling to this institution – this institution of organized faith. I shall call it organized crime! A crime to every free thinking and real loving human being! Yes you understand me! And I am so disappointed by this. I was sitting there in front of the poisoned food and loud asking for help. I hoped something would light up in my brain, like a candle in the window to lead me back home when there’s storm in the forest, here just to show me my way out. But now there was nothing. It remained unanswered, quiet and dark. When I thought I need it the most.

I could not remember who I was doing anything for. Since there was no answer and feeling to guide me, nothing bigger and higher then me.. I tried to realize that all I’ve done, all I promised was a promise for myself in the first place – I tried to realize if it was for God or any kind of derivate – then just as a supporter of my own way. But the same way any believing in the higher vanished so did the believing in myself. I couldn’t find the higher, I couldn’t find myself. Nothing stopped me – maybe what was missing was just a memory, and memory is the only food that feeds our faith. Nothing else!? Maybe I am just to small – a small thinker, a tiny believer. I don’t know! Here I am, looking at my life, no motivation, no intention to change anything. I just look at it how it is now. I even feel pleasure seeing how it’s going down. I’m just afraid how deep it will go. There is still a remaining memory about the demons that were able to destroy most of me so many years ago. Oh, I do remember this ones, but I am afraid how much longer?

I’m glad I am here all by myself. I know if this demons get me here, in the stranger land – no one will be there. There won’t be a safe harbor where I could go to. I see the zombies down there and I am just too afraid to become one of them. This is good and as long as I am far away from any security I might keep myself at least enough alive to stay over this thine line, over this terrible sentence. I got my last chance years back. I can’t screw it now. But who I am?

It seems it makes things even worse. I feel the need for self-destruction. I punished myself already a lot but it doesn’t seem to be enough, do I need more? First punishment through doing without and now through having too much again. So here I am, trapped in between the two sides. I can’t go down any further because of what is waiting there to hunt me down for the one last time. But on the other side, in this meaningless state of mind that can’t be reality where I am right now? I can’t stay either. I wanna leave, go much further than that. It’s not easy to say. I want to separate from this white cloud, from the angels that fly around me and the same time I am just afraid of the demons. I cry and scream ‘leave me alone’ and they do. Nothing changes. Who else is there? Is there anyone listening anymore?? Is there anyone able to talk in the name of anyone who knows anything and could say anything that would mean something to me??? A few I know, just a few people I could imagine talking to, just a few that I know it would mean something. I would feel good just talking for a few hours, exchanging everything that’s in my mind, But few are thousand of kilometers away, or the few might not like to talk to me or the few feel that I am not the same, they think I don’t like them and nothing changed, the few don’t even know I am talking about them, the few might even be the enemy. All screwed up!

No one I can hurt anymore. Just silence.

Since days I feel my heart hurts. I thought it’s because of the gym, but it’s not the chest. It’s really the heart. I wish it would be love but there is none. There never was since so many years. At least I felt some pain, and maybe sometimes I felt a very light glimpse of excitement, almost something close to love. But it never was and nothing is now. Hello??? I wanna cry – but – crying would mean everything is okay and in order. I don’t cry. Some know how much I would love to – and if you know – there are good chances that you’re one of the few!!! I’m embarrassed to write again that I reach out my hand. I won’t because the last time I did – it end up in a disaster. Some and a few of the few might know.

Here I am – keeping a secret number and knowing I reached the eagle not long time ago. The eagle I am. I hate the word alone, I hate the word friends. Both so wrong words to describe something I do not understand. I don’t understand friends and I don’t understand being(feeling) alone. Who would listen and who would think ‘maybe I should write’ while reading this? Oh, I am so afraid of the wrong. Like a cold knife. If the wrong write I will throw their good intentions away like a garbage bag, as if I wouldn’t need them, as if I wouldn’t need anyone. Yes, some might say ‘he doesn’t need, nor deserve anyone because he can’t appreciate the once that care’. Right you are, right you are all! I do not deserve. Why should I?

Just fuck it. It’s probably just too late. Why is there pain?? Who deserves to know? May I be allowed to beg? It seems traveling was a good time, if I had already enough money together I would leave town immediately but there is no way that I could get out of here before next year. But would it actually work? Just walking away like that? Walking away from what? Maybe fasting could clean my mind. If I had enough time for it, I’ve been waiting for so long for it but there is no time. There isn’t the time I need to make it right. So here I am. I want a fresh beginning, a restart, a reset.

I am really asking you – how does this all make sense?? Every sense is so eradicated. I can’t really believe it. If just someone could be so friendly, in my situation – please just think with me, just one more time, is there anything I’m missing? Where is the problem located? Is there anything that would give me this little thing in life? I would almost wish there was a teacher, someone who would now interfere and slap my face and say: ‘Wake up!!’ A teacher who would have the answer. If I would be stupid enough I would be an easy catch for Scientology and any other of this churches. But I am not as stupid, so there is no easy way out for me. As I was younger I was thinking about the Freemasons and that I would join when I come to the point in my life when something important is missing but this society didn’t change since decades. There seems to be no fresh wind in these temples. And slow moving nostalgic won’t help me either. I don’t know.

The only solution left – it can’t be pain, suffering and self destroying in an more excessive way. This is not what I have in mind but it’s the only thing that crosses it. Why should this self made pain and suffering help me? Maybe down there I would feel so bad that it would be easy to find a simple way out. A way that would one day bring me back to where I am right now. Since a long time in my life I feel that I am not longer moving forward. I reached the end of my possibilities. Now I am just limited by basic physical and material forces. Can this be? The photo shooting and everything in the last time just showed me what I could do – but something I can’t do often because I am on my limit with everything. There is a whole set of ideas that just won’t be realized because basic things are missing. So I rather go down and be in a state where I’m not able to do stuff like this, that way I won’t feel bad because I can’t do it..

Fuck it! It’s all so screwed up. Maybe I should sell everything I have and live in an empty room that just holds a small bed until next year. A friend offered me to move in with him.. or something like that. I was almost thinking about it but this security of someone is the last thing that would be good. I will be honest. Just so someone can tell me that I am wrong. What is it that I want?

#1: I want to make enough money so I can realize some of my art and photography projects, even the once that need more preparation. Is this why artists call themselves always poor? I hate artists who explain there low situation with ‘I’m an artist I am poor’ Screw you! Who says artists have to be poor, who says having no money and swinging the paint brush once in a while makes you an artist?

#2 .. wrong – secondary #1, but still a #1: I want to have sex! Not ‘just’ sex, I also mean the whole thing around, having someone close, sharing a bed, waking up besides someone – even if she isn’t THE girl I would call ‘the one and only’ ‘the one forever’. Who cares? I want to share some feelings now in my life and I am tired of not doing so.

And now #2… … … …that’s fucking all that comes in my mind??? Maybe that’s why I am so unhappy! The two things that cause the biggest headache for not just me, for anyone! It is not that I regular think of both of it but this is even worse! I gave almost up on both of them. There is nothing left to work and fight for. I feel bad, my heart hurts again. Sweet chocolate soya-milk and this soft muffin-like-filled-mini-choco-cake-things won’t help but at least will cheer me up while I consume them, and in five minutes they will make me feel bad because I can never keep a limit and I eat and drink too much of it.

Money and Sex…

#1 goals for almost every man, probably also #1 suicide reason if it makes you problems. While I do count love into the sex thing – but not vice verso. Even if I should. My stomach feels already sick, but I am still eating. Soya-milk tastes disgusting when you had too much of it.. but I keep drinking more, always hoping that the taste might be better then the last swallow before… It never is.. It’s worse! ‘Luscious Chocolate’ – I can’t find anything luscious about this anymore. You know cutting myself in my arm and seeing the blood run down would be at least a suffering with style but this had almost so much style and quality that I can’t really see it as a way of making me feel bad – it would more be an act of pleasure. Stupid blood lust! No, instead of doing it the classy cut-my-arm-hitting-the-wall-way – I have to make me feel bad by eating sweet, make my stomach feel bad, make me wanna throw up. I should get drunk, but this is one of the taboos I was talking about. Even writing here doesn’t seem to help. I just circle around the same topic again and again! Not even writing makes me feel bad enough anymore. Maybe I should just bring my regular life out of order. But I don’t want to. I’m thinking about writing direct to some of the few. But then I think…I don’t know what I think. I would feel embarrassed to write some of them, or it would just feel wrong, I don’t want to cross that border anymore. So I just wait and know time will pass, nothing will happen. I wish I had more friends around here so that I could hurt them and myself by sending them away. But I did already month ago a pretty good job in doing exactly this and after that I had no wish to let anyone close enough so that I could now reach out and kick their asses. It does not even make sense to me.

Now I’m looking at a few things. The need of sex or may it be LOVE. Let it be both – and both is unreachable for me right now. And the need to make more money. People who want to make more and more money are called greedy but I can explain the need for it and I can understand anyone who wants to make a little more just to accomplish some basic needs. I don’t talk about food. I think we all will always be fed – somehow. Shall this be the basic needs we don’t have to worry about right now. I mean basic needs for the soul. But there is always something in between. And as much as I try to rearrange, to re-budget things, something comes always too short. If I would spend more for my art and photography I had to drop my Spanish lessons that I just started. I can’t do this, even if it seems like a not needed luxury but I don’t want to waste even one week in a country I dream of going since so long without speaking the language. I also have to save enough that will keep me alive the month after Canada and enough to bring me to a country where I am allowed to work again. It might be New Zealand. Sure I could go back to Germany – but some might not understand me. Going back into the save harbor called ‘home’ would not just mean that I gave up – it would also mean that I lost. Turning around would be the end of my journey, a journey that just started. If this would be the case – may the demons are very welcome! I can’t let this happen. And if this isn’t enough, since month there is a dentist appointment pending. All four wisdom tooth, one more major issue and a hand full of small fixes that will exploit both, my German and Canadian health insurance, and will still leave me with a big bill that will cut deep into my travel savings..

Maybe I am on the edge to do something. Maybe I am almost pushed over it. Thrown into the cold water, I do have to act! No worries – I won’t rob a bank. I rather suffer on the street then leaving the track and making myself a criminal – some will never understand. (There are things you deserve and things that doesn’t belong and make your soul unhappy.) I do have some ideas. Maybe I was just to lazy, maybe there was just never a need to start realizing them. It might be time to buy a red box with a glass window together with a hammer. In this red box I will put a handful of my quick ideas that I wrote in my notebook over the past year. Next I will mount this box on my wall and put a sign on it:

*

‘WAY OUT’ EMERGENCY PLAN

USE IN CASE OF . . .

*

And as the next act I will take the hammer and smash the glass apart. It would probably feel so good doing it that I will take the whole red box and pieces of behind laying wall apart. I would stop short before the brick wall is so thin that I risk breaking through it to the outside. Then it is time to pick up my notes. It’s time to act and do something. C’mon life! The best ideas are born in such desperate situations. I could almost feel faith now if I didn’t have such bad experience with it. So here I am – the hammer in my hand.

A voice appears in an very farmland like accent:

‘Don’t hid de finger boy!’

Can I do this all alone???

Four pages of this grief. I need to sleep, tomorrow will be a terrible day. I won’t post it today. To many spelling errors need to be corrected. The whole sheet is full of red underlines. I won’t even talk about the grammatical errors. Well, ESL is part of my excuse. So who ever saw me today (today is supposed to be Monday) and thought I looked quiet tired, quiet done with the world, maybe a little lost. You know now why!

‘It’s not eeeeesy boy, but yu gonna make id, yu gonna make id…’

Shut up guy! Fucking everything!

‘yuuu gonna make id… yuuuuuu gonna make iiid!’

. . .

Days later

It is now Wednesday night, I just burned my finger with my hot World Famous (yes it’s a title!!) tomato sauce. I was debating with my self if I should publish or if I should leave it with the other unpublished notes. But especially the very last part seems to be a movement, and outbreak I don’t wanna risk forgetting just by putting this text file away. So I decided to go on-line with it. As an announcement to myself. An announcement to ACT!

Have a good night you all and especially you very few.

Your Marco