Fixing things up, I should spend a little more time doing the things I’m supposed to do – but then – what are the things I am supposed to do? Hell, heaven, how did I get here? Who am I? What is love, what means fear, loosing, gaining, craziness.
I think it’s the chaos I ignored in the last days, weeks, and once you have a day’s rest you realize all of it at once. It feels soooo strange right now.
Where can I look for answers right now? Who can help me? Who are the once I should talk to? Who can tell me what is wrong and right?
Is it just my life?
This are all just random lines, random thougths I put together in the last half an hour while doing all kinds of stuff. I need to fix me up, get pieces back together. What hapened and what is happening. Well, it’s a story, that’s for sure! No idea how it will end. I mean..
Things are changing, some changes are coming, and I don’t know what it is. It won’t be easy. But I don’t know what it is. Something scares me right now. Is it just a feeling. What the hell is going on? Why do I feel aggression where there was none in such a long time, why do I feel that strange. What is it? Where sits the worm eating on my brain? It’s probably one of those random writing sessions, more for myself then anyone else. So I don’t know. Picking up the pieces, cleaning up by letting randomness out. Will it help? I don’t even know what I would tell anyone, can I tell you a story? I can’t. I just have to leave it like this. I mean you won’t believe how much joy and fun there was, but also how much pain and fear. Emptiness and my fulfilling, it seems it all is so close together. And well… omg… you won’t believe it right now, I found a knot right now and I was able to untie it. I feel something, I see somehow a way. It’s so hard to see in all this clouds of the first since many calm days. I think I have to let go, I think I have to go away. I need a day or two off, off this town, off this life. I need to think about every single thing that happened, every single one I’ve hurt, loved, every single one who has hurt and maybe loved me. You never know. I do love, and that’s the cause of the Bohemian Virtue. Many match, many don’t but just don’t bother, while few things, will I ever make them match? Will I ever live the life I wanna live? How and when and where to I have to go to find this out. A change is coming. I love, I feel, I follow nothing, nothing but my heart, my feelings, at any given time, and well – it’s in combination with the truth the strangest, craziest thing I’ve ever done and experienced. I mean the feeling of God is so close. God, the feeling and knowledge of us. Let love be everywhere and understand it is love, it’s no plain craziness, oh I do love and I know tears, even just by name, but I am close, I am so close, I realize, I could cry now, I did not drift away, why did I even fear? I am here! I am close to feel it all and all feels good, even the sad moments. I wanna share this with someone, and I will. Life’s not easy sometimes. Did I pick this pieces up? Some of them, and I have no glue how to put them back together so that they last. I guess, that’s something I need to figure out. Don’t try to find any sense, any deeper sense in my writing, it’s really not meant to be read. It’s just for me and you. Do you get that? Me neither, it’s a mix of sense and chaos, creative straight out of my mind writing, w/o thinking of it. It’s a good exercise after all this pressure of talking smart and I don’t even like it that way. Or maybe I do? Who knows. Tomorrow is another of those days, how can I make a difference?
Just wanted to post something on my FB wall, but didn’t fit, so here it is:
Today I feel I don’t really know who I am – how did I get here – what will happen next. But I also feel something, a change, what change I can’t really tell and I am not the only one expecting change, I see it everywhere, people tell me this. Something is going on, I sometimes fear, but then I just realized a beauty in it. Something amazing great might happen. I feel something like love and can’t describe it here completely. I’m just at the beginning of it. But it will go fast, wait a say or two and I might already be able to tell. It’s a strange feeling I’m telling you!
I think that’s enough for now. I feel good now. I’ll just relax for a bit, and that’s what I should do.