Again another of those nights, surely new for me in a way – but when I really think about it. It is so known. I drink, I make myself to someone different, change my inner self, put my thoughts in shadow, listen to the lonely sound of music. The same I listened to years before, pretty much crying in my bed. I was so in love. Where is this love gone? Where is the one who came over it and found something new? Always in loneliness but sometimes, sometimes there were moments of this incredible clarity. Where is this clarity now? Where is my chance?
I am home alone, no one is around. And even then, the only time I feel good is taken to bed by a girl I at least somehow can love, and when I wake up with the very person around. Not even in my arms, just there, just in the sight of my eye. But without such a girl, I feel hurt, I hurt myself. I am lonely.
I grabbed a glass to just have more fun, a few weeks ago, close to be a few month, and now? Every single time, after the end I feel like that. I am empty. Is it really all gone? Am I drunk the way I was drunk of imagined love a little more then a year ago? Where I am now?
I couldn’t go home, could never go back. I would be too sure that this would be the signed end. Signed by the God who seems absent since so long. Where is he, where is this divine force? This deep love inside myself. I do love, I loved/love more in the last time then I did just half a year ago. No idea where it comes from, but everyone around gets something of it. Wanted or not, understood or not. No wrong thinking please – as always. I love not just for the sake of it, I don’t love because I can. I love because my heart tells me to. No desperation or any other force behind. No wish to go any further then that. Something touched me, touched my heart and I don’t know why, I don’t know when and would never be able to tell – who, unless I see the very one. The only thing that is sure – it has to be a one.
The golden day is never seen, not in this black black night.
A glimpse of blue here and there but nothing, nothing that touches me as deep as the thought of my very self.
I would love to see her today. Such a tiny moment, nothing anyone is able to recall, am I even sure it happened to me and not just someone else in my dream?
I would have wished to see her tonight. And she? Does not even know, just some small affection. I’m not able to show any more. I don’t even know what it is. I want to speak the truth but I know, it leads just to No WHERE. KNOW WHERE.
Even if we would find. You would want to give up with me. But I would have to say you can’t. I live that way, I do not loose and risk. You would be flattered by the first moments, but at the end? Stepping out of your life, as much as even I would love it. After a week or two, over is all the excitement of THAT BIG STEP. Your life that you just gave up would break together, WHAT DID I just give up? I can walk on, I would do what I always do. It hurts, and it hurts more and more but I can still leave, I can still leave behind without hurting myself for long. Maybe a little scar here and there but nothing behind that. A scar I would look at, from time to time. I would remember forever but always be somewhere else. I will find again. Where will you be? Destroyed in between of two worlds, none of them yours anymore. The one you never found your place in, the other you left with so much strength that everything you would leave behind would change – FOR EVER.
I like you, I liked many before. We never found out who we are, I don’t know you, I can just guess. So many more touch my heart – how will you – especially you – ever reach that far to know IT IS YOU?
Never more then a sentence, a politeness, a short conversation.
No one knows what to say, look how distant and far we are. You will never reach.
A hello and good bye, a handshake, a hug, and how do I actually know?
Maybe sometimes your interest in who knows what sticks out, the very raw moments when things are different. When I see more, more in you, more in who you are, more in what you show me.
Less then moments, most too weak to even light a flame, but strong enough to make me step down to where I am right now. I lean back because I am shy, I am afraid and scared. If you could see how I hoped you would find me again – but you were far – as far as always, never even close to be mine. You gave me this last moment, this last thought. I am glad – I am glad there was a good bye. My heart felt empty – I couldn’t have gone any further that night. Thank you for that. But be in the know, this might have been the closest we ever came, the only and last good bye you ever gave to me. Thank you my pride, thank you strange girl. Different. You will never see it in my eyes, I hide to well. Maybe make you even feel hurt by how I am. I show more affection to my friends then I do to you. It’s easier with them. When it does not mean anything, not more then fun and joy. I am glad it never meant enough with us. So I enjoy being hurt because of never getting hurt by you. Don’t ask why, a ‘no’ from you would have seamed so wrong. So silent are the melodies of my love – far from being enough.
Good night the one who will never ever read this, the one who came so close and is pretty much the furthest away.
Once I leave this town I might just say it out loud – just once. By chance it might just reach you once I’m gone.
And this is for sure with this one – NO ONE KNOWS.
How amazing it is to keep such a surprise to the very end. But it is not over yet, and until today I was always able to make the impossible happen, make someone not love, make someone hurt me. I am good at that.
No hard feelings, I feel free and good. Yes I do.
I’m writing, you won’t believe how much I missed that. I missed it a lot. It is part of myself. And by the way, I tried beer and all this other stuff, even white wine – but there is nothing as good as a glass of red. I slept hours, days in the last week. Every day off passes by like nothing, 15 and more hours of sleep a day. Can’t believe it.
I dream so heavy. In my dreams I fight, I am defeated, I fight again and win. My dreams are different. What is going on is unknown. If this is an empty fight against something lost already, then I have to give up now. But so far I can’t. I should give up now. But well, at the end I will fight to reach my goal. Even if I can’t walk not one step further from here. I will fight, my mind will always walk, put me as insane somewhere away and I will ignore where I am – I will walk ahead and ahead. Never look back, I need to arrive one day. If not I would have nothing done – if not the last four, five, six, maybe even ten and more years for nothing. Not many can understand this. But I have to move on, I have to arrive as myself, as a whole and full. There is no other option. There never was. There will never be. Except, and that is what I always say, if it is bigger then you and I, bigger then my friends and my family, bigger then my own . . .
“God bless you in you travels, your conquests and queries” just now by Alanis M. – MTV Unplugged.
Thank you! Have a good night you all. Maybe the one so long away isn’t dead yet. I’m not the one I’m talking about. It’s this golden piece that appeared flying in my dreams, it was in some random church, in the shape and size of lips, or maybe the leaves of a palm tree. I wasn’t sure. But I knew way more about it. The girl sitting in front of me, one of the very few noticing the golden piece that took a seat in the front row, asked me:
‘What is this?’
‘It is her!’
‘Who?’
‘It is her, don’t you understand – IT IS HER!’
‘HER??? But this is a good thing!! Isn’t it?’
‘Yes . . . and no, not for me, for you, I am pretty sure’
Sometimes I feel misunderstood. Sometimes I would like to have someone who knows me more then I do. Someone I could talk to about anything that goes on in my mind. But I have to make decisions alone, have to find a way and sometimes I feel like a ship lost in the wind, no one there to check the course, no one to set or strike sail, no one to talk about the way, no one to keep me company when there is no land in sight, no wind, no where else to go, just wait and hope.
Cloudy night sky, no stars to see, it would be to bright anyways.
Good night.
Marco
PS: Ich habe den Geburtstag von meinem Opa vergessen, alles gute nachträglich!