What is it that I keep writing posts and don’t decide to publish any of those? I keep saving them as private. Maybe they are too private or maybe I am too afraid it just doesn’t sound good. I feel I have the need to write good, and what happened in the last time is that all I’ve done just drowned myself. I mean, my well is empty and needs to be refilled. But that’s hard, this town asks for a lot, so do I. The experience I’m working on really takes from me. Is it worth it? Well, I have never ever learned so much about humans that isn’t me. And in particular about woman. I was able to learn quiet a lot about myself, therefor about men in the duration of my life. But I never really learned about others and especially woman. I had all this stereotypes and cliches grounded in my mind and thought for the longest time that’s it. But it just happened that I got curious one day and grew tired about the always same experiences. So month ago, out of nowhere I just decided to change things and since then my whole life changed. First nothing seemed to happen, then my surrounding changed, then other people seemed to change towards me, maybe I changed as a reaction to that, then things changed even more, and I changed again, my whole perception of people changed. I started to see different persons then I’ve seen before, I was a different person then I was before. Men and women, they appeared so different to me. It’s like I’ve been living in a bubble and couldn’t get out. Now I see feelings, emotions and nothing is single sided anymore. There are information and facets of the same feeling. It’s like I’ve been painted with only back and white on a white canvas my whole life and now someone brought me a box full of colors and every day I discover another one, I learn how to mix, I find out what matches and what does not. I try new things, some don’t look the way I want it at first, then I mix around and it turns out to be great, other combination work from the moment I set down my stroke. It’s strange and amazing to see. It’s like I have a gift, I have intuition and even more it seems I can read minds, but what I read are just expressions I haven’t seen before, wasn’t able to see before. And I enjoy it and I let go more and more what has blocked me seeing things right. And I’m still half clouded in old feelings, feelings that aren’t right. But I’m giving them more and more up and slowly I realize the beauty of it, the beauty of it all.

So my life is a different life now. Maybe I finally jumped over the edge, my whole life I was standing there and kept telling everyone: “I’m standing on the edge”, not realizing the only thing I had to do was jump! And here I am flying, not falling, to the other side. Where I might be closer to myself, closer to others, closer to life, love, closer to everything. I felt often lost and strange in the last time, especially when I had time to think. I was not even used to thinking anymore, and still I feel I have never produced so much knowledge then in this past time. It’s crazy sometimes, confusing. I just talked to someone and just listening to her life’s story, the story of her past three years brought tears up in my eyes and I didn’t care. Maybe I did learn about men too I just realize. I see so many things and can’t describe, can’t even grab them, I would love to share what I’ve seen, experienced, felt, but how can I describe it to you if not even I myself can see it all. What I’ve written above is where I am. That’s what I can tell you now. I’ve jumped off that cliff, I’ve eaten from the tree of wisdom, see it the way you want. One thing I realized, if there is one reason why we are here, why I am here then because of this. Maybe not everyone has to jump, eat that fruit or go that far, maybe it’s enough when one does it and hopefully is able to share it the proper way with the one he met and the one he left behind, this are the people who deserve it the most.

That’s my life, days end always different and new days start always strange. And I do like it. I do like everyone I meet on the road, in this little town, in my life. There is so much more to share and to have and to experience together. I’m not a fan of being that alone anymore. It’s not the time for it. It’s the time to discover others. Yes, I did find myself, my complete self, my complete lonely self in Cuba and the first few weeks in Monterrey. After all this years it happened, what was supposed to happen as I was 16+. I found myself, found out who I am and I had to find this all on my own, alone. I did, now it’s going fast, now I’m able to share, to be part of others and vice verso. Now the 2nd part of my journey has begun and is moving incredible fast. Sometimes it feels I’m back to where I was four years ago. But it’s a completely different spot. Now it’s up to me to figure things out and start all over again, I’ve found myself once, now I need to do it again, but this time being part of life. And I’m confident I will. I haven’t given up the idea of destiny, of my mission. And I choose a mission and I believe everyone who’s able to give something up, and many even know what it is, they might be able to find, when they ask it will all come. I just talked with someone about the day I was standing in Africa, left the people I was with and just looked up into the sky, screaming for an answer, for a sign, for something that shows I am not alone, that there is someone, something and that the feelings I had were not wrong. And I got no answer, not that time. But the answers came with time, and the answers are so bold and strong that it is now a certainty.

It is time, I would love to write more, but I’m already close to the point where all I write is more a process, thinking, then actually sharing anything good, anything that anyone can really understand. I would love to talk about all this above a little more. But maybe not here, not all on my own. My friends, things have changed. I’ve made hard choices that needed to be made, I had to understand in what relation I was and am to people that I thought were close for so long. But on the other side I found new, I found life came back into order and there are some very close to me right now. Thank you for that! We all are gonna change the world, I believe in that. Someone read my dream not too long time ago and what I heard was scary, not because it was bad, because it was the perfect hit. They knew who I am, where I came from, and even more important where I am going to. They told me about resistance and fear, they told me about some that aren’t ready yet. Well, what can I do? There is no way back, I just jumped, still feel the ground at the bottom of my right foot, but that’s about it. Good bye everyone! Love you all! You’ve been great!

Thanks to everyone who taught me something, thanks for everyone who I was able to teach, show something different. I’m glad, at one point I’m not longer just a pupil, I’m glad I’m allowed to teach from time to time. And I love telling my stories, I love being the one who knows, the one who is. Not everyday, not yet, but every time it happens life couldn’t be any better. I love you all.

Rock ‘n’ Roll!

Marco

PS: I don’t think the title has anything to do with what I wrote. Except one thing I figured, don’t be afraid what seems dark, what scares, what carries a mask you can’t understand. I’ve looked into the face of it and realized, I realized a certain beauty even waiting there. And I realized if I wanna fight fear and prepare myself for what might come, I need to overcome. But another time I might pick that up and tell you more.